My Heart Searches Restlessly

For GAP Homework this month, we each had to read an autobiography or a biography of a Christian from a tradition other than our own then give a presentation about it. Since we had a month to complete this assignment, I decided to challenge myself and read Confessions by Saint Augustine.

Why did I chose this book? When we went on our opening GAP retreat in August, I stumbled across a song by Ed Conlin entitled "Prayer of Augustine." Intrigued I began to study the lyrics:

Oh Beauty Ancient, O Beauty So New
Long have I loved thee, but feebly yet do
Thou you were with me I was not with you
Then you shown your face and I was blind no more

My heart searches restlessly
And finds no rest, till it rests in thee
O Seeker you sought for me
Your love has found me, I am taken by thee

Lord in my deafness you cried out to me,
I drew new breath and your fragrance I breathe
O fount of life you are forever the same,
O fire of love, come set me aflame.

My heart searches restlessly
And finds no rest, till it rests in thee
O Seeker you sought for me
Your love has found me, I am taken by thee

I'd never heard this song before my GAP year, but since that retreat I sing it at least once a week. The refrain really resonates with me, the idea of a restless heart seeking comfort and satisfaction in anything and everything but the Lord. One of the privileges of a GAP year is that you have more time to think. But unless you use that time to intentionally draw closer to the Lord (prayer time, attending bible Studies and prayer meetings, etc) you'll waste a lot of time on Facebook, Gmail, and Hulu. Another stumbling block with more free time means you've got to spend more time with yourself then with school, a job, your family, etc. God will reveal some truly nasty things about yourself given the time and your willingness to listen.

So after months of listening to this song, when the chance came to read an autobiography, I immediately chose Augustine. Did you know that most scholars consider Confessions to be the first autobiography of Western literature? It was written between 397 and 398 AD. Pretty cool, huh?

That being said, I found Confessions pretty challenging to read. Augustine divides Confessions into 13 books, the first nine contain his biography, and the last four his theological reflections. The first nine books are much more accessible than the last four.  Augustine tells the story of a man struggling with the intellectual side of faith, something that I often struggle with. His famous prayer of "Lord make me chaste, but not yet" echoes throughout these books as he struggles to completely trust the Lord with his life. The last four books were a bit painful to read as they explore concepts such as memory, time, creation, and the trinity. Interesting topics, but a little too philosophical in his analysis for my taste.

So what did I take away from Confessions and how do I apply this autobiography to my GAP year? The main thing I learned was that it's okay to question Christianity and treat it as a topic worthy of serious analysis. I think too often American culture treats Christianity as a given and treat its justification lazily. I also learned that the road to Christianity is often a winding one full of many false starts, and a lot of hurry up and waiting.

Augustine's plea to make me chaste, but not yet struck a cord with me because I realize I pray this prayer a lot through the media I consume, the way I relate to my brothers, and how I view my service. The Lord wants complete abandonment in him, and I am often only willing to offer myself to a point. How am I to offer myself more fully to the Lord? Maybe I need to stop searching for things other than the Lord to satisfy loneliness, anger, and frustration. Alas, "my heart searches restlessly, and finds no rest till it rests in thee."