Stuck in the Gap

Two months is a long time to go without a blog post. I apologize. Life's been a little busy/crazy/beautiful lately. Here's an update.

Last year when I was on my Gap year, one of my colleges coined the phrase "stuck in the Gap" to describe people who continue to serve after their gap years end. At the time, I thought people who stayed stuck in the gap were a bit, well, crazy. Little did I know that less than a year later I would not only be working for UCO, but I would be serving with AmeriCorps.

Two months ago, I began my term of service with the Keys Service Corps, a division of AmeriCorps. Keys members serve at various underprivileged sites throughout the country and provide mentoring and tutoring to youth at their sites. Here in Pittsburgh, members serve in Downtown, the Hill District, Braddock, Pitcairn, McKees Rocks, East Liberty, the North Side, McKeesport, the South Side, and Homestead. I'm serving at the Carnegie Library of Homestead (CloH) with their after-school program. 

CLoH. Pretty Cool, Right?

The history of CLoH is really interesting. The building that houses the library also houses an athletic center (with one of the regions first heated pools) and a music hall. It was built  in 1898 for $300,000. Which in today's money equals $7-$8 million. Andrew Carnegie, Pittsburgh's steel tycoon, provided the library with it's endowment. Carnegie's legacy has a contentious relationship with the city of Homestead because of the Homestead Steel Strike of 1892 and the closing of Homestead Works in 1986.

So you might be wondering why AmeriCorps sent a member to such a beautiful building to serve? Glad you asked. The city of Homestead suffered tremendously with the closing of the Homestead Steel Works in 1986. See up until the late 1980s, steel wasn't just the main industry in Homestead, it was the only industry in Homestead. All of the stores along 8th avenue, all of the 42 churches, and all of the beer gardens revolved around the mill. Boys lacked motivation to apply themselves to their studies because they had a guaranteed good job waiting for them on their 18th birthday. Girls lacked motivation too because they thought they would grow up to marry a steelworker, and keep house just like their mothers did. When the mill closed it's doors, the entire town fell apart. 

25 years after the mill shut down, the community is still struggling to re-build itself. That's where CLoH comes in. CLoH helps to address two of Homestead's major challenges: childhood illiteracy and childcare. In Homestead there is no safe, free place for children to hang out in after school other than the library. On any given afternoon, we get anywhere from 20-60 kids. My "job" is to serve the kids by helping them find something educational to do while they're at the library. I do that through book discussion groups, game nights, craft nights, and playing board games. Sometimes we do service projects like make books for the library's Steel Valley Christmas Parade Float.

Look what my kids made!

The hardest part about my service is managing behavior, aka disciplining the kids. The library has rules that the kids must follow in order to use the library, and it is my job to enforce them. I really hate making kids leave when they misbehave, but they have to learn that the decisions they make have consequences. The kids will try every trick in the book to get more time on the computer, or time in the library, so I have to be both firm and patient. 

You might be wondering who in their right mind agrees to serve part-time with University Christian Outreach and part-time with AmeriCorps? I ask myself that question several times a day. Especially on the days when one of my "big" kids forgets that we were supposed to meet that day, and one of my "little" kids threatens to cut my hair with a pair of safety scissors. But even on those days I love what I do. I love the opportunity to pour myself out everyday in serving others. Every single day I'm forced to my knees completely dependent upon the Lord. Everyday I have the privilege of living out one of my favorite Scripture passages from Luke:

"If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it. What does it profit them is they gain the whole world, but lose or forfeit themselves?"

-Luke 9:23-25

10 Most Important Things I've Learned from Literature

10 Most Important Things I've Learned From Literature

1. "Prejudices, it is well known, are more difficult to eradicate from the heart whose soil has never been loosened or fertilized by education: they grow there, firm as weeds among stones" (Bronte, Jane Eyre 391). 

Jane Eyre is my favorite novel, and this quote is one of my favorites from it. I feel passionately that education in the solution to a plethora of social ills. I really admire Jane's wisdom and her unwavering morals, even when life throws a wrench into her well laid plans.

2. "Yo papa and yo mama and nobody else can't tell yuh and show yuh. Two things everybody's got tuh do fuh theyselves. They got tuh go tuh God, and they got tuh find out about livin' fuh theyselves" (Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God 192). 

Two things that all literature must do: reveal something about the character of God, and teach the reader something about theyselves. 

3. "The mother women seemed to prevail that summer at Grand Isle... They were women who idolized their children, worshiped their husbands, and esteemed it a holy privilege to efface themselves as individuals and grow wings as ministering angels" (Chopin, The Awakening 11). 

As I skimmed my copy of The Awakening for a quote to use for this post, I stumbled across the handwriting of my 16 year old self next to this quote with the question, "Is it possible for a women to stay at home and care for her children and still be happy?!" I wonder what my 16 year old self would do, if she knew her 23 year old future self has no idea. 

4. "It's as if every body's made this tacit agreement to live in a state of total self-deception. The hell with reality! Let's have a whole bunch of cute little winding roads and cute little houses painted white and pink and baby blue; let's all be good consumers and have a lot of Togetherness and bring our children up in a bath of sentimentality- Daddy's a great man because he makes a living, Mummy's a great woman because she's stuck by Daddy all these years- and if old reality ever does pop out and say Boo, we'll all get busy and pretend it never happened" (Yates, Revolutionary Road, 68-69).

I love Yates' daring criticism of the American Dream, specifically the suburbs. I say daring because Revolutionary Road was published in 1961, on the eve of America's counter-culture movement. What do you do when you realize  that everything you've worked your adult life towards is causing you to rot from the inside out? Do you have an affair with a pretty secretary from your office, and accept a promotion from a job you hate to provide for your family, like Frank Wheeler did? Or do you perform an at-home abortion so your family can start over in France, like April Wheeler did? I love that you finish this novel just as confused as the characters over what's the "right" solution to a life of quiet desperation. 

5.“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” 

-Jack Kerouac On the Road

I am reading this book right now, and am head over heals in love with it. Mostly because I will never drive from New York to San Francisco and back five times doing 110 in a borrowed Cadillac. Nor will I take a lover in every town I spend the night. Nor will I write poetry while high on heroin. But it sure is fun to read about Dean and Sal as they unapologetically flout every social convention I can think of. 

6. “Life is going to give you just what you put in it. Put your whole heart in everything you do, and pray, then you can wait.” 

-Maya Angelou I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings 

Maya Angelou is one of my heroes in life. I love that her advice doesn't sound like an Oprah "live your best life" bumper sticker. Happiness comes to those who do, those who live passionetly, those who pray, and those who wait. 

7. “Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.” (“Here is my secret. It's quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.” 

-Antoine de Saint Exupery The Little Prince

I read this book for the first time in middle school. I was struck by it's simple wisdom. I read it again en francaise in high school (the only book I managed to do so with). I was again struck by it's simple wisdom. I love The Little Prince's secret. That lessons of the heart transcend age, language, and cultural barriers.  

8.“I wish I was a woman of about thirty-six dressed in black satin with a string of pearls.” 

-Daphne du Maurier Rebecca

I've wanted to be older since I was a little kid. There's something about wearing pearls at 36 that tells the world that you've got your act together. I appreciate that Rebecca convinced me to not be in such a hurry to grow up. Adulthood is about more than just wearing the pearls, it's about what you had to do to get them. 

9. “The Heart is a lonely hunter with only one desire! To find some lasting comfort in the arms of anothers fire...driven by a desperate hunger to the arms of a neon light, the heart is a lonely hunter when there's no sign of love in sight!”

-Carson McCullers The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

This quote is the best explanation I can think of for why people do stupid things in the name of love. Most literature exists to explain why people do stupid things in the name of love. 

10. "People don't realize how a man's whole life can be changed by one book" 

-Malcolm X The Autobiography of Malcolm X

I read Malcolm X's autobiography this past summer. Did you know that Malcolm X learned how to read and write in prison? I'd always assumed that he was educated at an Ivy League university because of his powerful oratorical skills. If one book can turn a street hustler into the spokesperson for the Black Power movement, think of what one book can do for you. 

Now go forth with a skip in your step, and your nose in a book. 

Working on the Whiteboard

Last week at my church's young adult meeting, we discussed work, specifically the difference between calling and a job. We spent most of the meeting brainstorming words we associate with work on the whiteboard. After the meeting ended, I grabbed the dry erase marker and made a few edits. This was the result:

While it may looks like an elementary art project, I think it accurately represents how Christian young adults think about work.  Young, Christian, college grads entering the workforce today are confused, yet oddly optimistic. Let's look at why.

I think the main source of our discontent comes from trying to link our identity to our job. Think about it. What's the first thing you tell someone you've just met about yourself, after your name? You tell them what you do. Why? Because what we do is supposed to tell other people something about who we are. For example if a guy tells you that he is an accountant, you're supposed to think that he is smart, responsible, financially secure, and a numbers geek. You're more likely to forgive his social awkwardness because he's using his talents to make sure that the rest of us don't end up filing for bankruptcy. It amazes me how one verb can produce two juicy sentences of stereotypes.

While is just a silly example, it gets to the heart of the problem. The problem of defining our identity and self worth in terms of what we produce. When we derive our identity and self-worth from what we produce, we automatically privilege the minority of the population (read: us) with enough money, education, and power to produce .I'd hate to see self-worth available only to those born white, rich, and smart. 

Post-colonial theory rant aside, I think my peers and I have reason to be optimistic. We don't need to search for our identity because we've already got one. We are disciples of Christ. Jesus' death and resurrection gives us eternal life, and gives us eternal identities rooted in him. I love Paul's instructions to the Corinthians, "Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." (1 Corinthians 15:8) Here Paul makes it clear that laboring in the Lord comes out of our commitment to discipleship. The only labor we're allowed to derive our self-worth from is the work of the Lord acting through us. 

Let's aim to separate identity (who we are) from job (what we do). Let's allow our jobs to be the work we enjoy doing, but who's primary function is to pay the bills so we can serve the Lord with the first fruits of our time and talents. 

The Benefits of Underemployment

There are benefits to underemployment. That's what I'm going to tell the next person who asks me what I do with the 20 hours a week that I don't work for UCO.

I recently read an article in Time magazine entitled "How Underemployed is Generation Y." You can read the article here .

I was not surprised to read that 53% of recent college graduates are either unemployed, or underemployed. For example, in my young adult bible study most of us either work part time, or work a combination of odd jobs full-time. I know a lot lot of smart, interesting,young people who go to college, major in something cool like Victorian Literature, and end up having to work as an administrative assistant to pay back their student loans. And that's a best case scenario.

I am a pretty typical millennial. I graduated from college in 2011 with a degree in English Literature and History. After I graduated I took a gap year to serve in Ann Arbor, MI, and now I work part time for University Christian Outreach. I'm actively looking for part-time employment, but with my skills and this economy, it might be a while before I find work.

I refuse to allow my underemployment get me down. I have decided to embrace this unexpected phase as an opportunity for self-improvement. So like most media-savy millennial, I've compiled my thoughts into an easily skimmed list.

Top 5 Benefits of Underemployment

1. Open Yale Courses
I was heartbroken to graduate from university and leave behind reading assignments, papers, and brilliantly quirky professors. About a month ago I stumbled upon this gem. Open Yale Courses are Yale University introductory courses offered free to the public. Their website gives you access to course syllabi, and course lectures. Right now I'm going through Amy Hungerford's "The American Novel Since 1945." Between the reading assignments and the course lectures, this passion project takes up about five hours of my time per week. Plus it allows me to ask my housemates about their school days without turning green with envy.

2. Attend Pittsburgh's FREE cultural programs
A drawback of underemployment is that you don't have much discretionary income. But with a little research, you can explore your city's culture on the cheap. Case in point. Pittsburgh's Regional Assistant Development (RAD) donates money to area libraries, museums, and gardens. Every organization that receives donations from RAD must host a RAD day, where they make their attraction free to the public. In the last week, I visited Phipps Conservatory and The Andy Warhol Museum. My only expense was the $5 I spent on bus fare.

3. Learn to Bake
Baking is like writing: everyone thinks they can master it if they just had the time and the right ingredients. False. Baking is like writing in that they are both skills that get better with practice. Now that I have the time, I try to bake something new every week. Below is a picture of my latest creation.

Pumpkin Cookies

4. Coffee Dates

Moving to a new city means hitting the reset button on your social life. Building new relationships takes time. I enjoy coffee dates because they provide a space for getting to know someone casually. I like getting coffee instead of a drink because it keeps you awake, and gives you something to talk about. Plus it's cheap. And coffee dates motivate me to shower and put on real clothes on days I wouldn't have otherwise left the house.  

5. Pray

In working with college students, I've found that lack of time can really derail a person's prayer life. It takes time to learn how to pray. It takes time to prepare to pray (brewing coffee, gathering materials, finding a quiet place). And it takes time to pray well. Now that I've got the time, I've set a goal of 30 minutes of daily prayer and scripture reading. I really like the discipline and structure that daily morning prayer gives me. I try to spend only five of those minutes praying for a part time job.

How I Became a Homemaker

Our dining room table

When people ask me about my life these days, I tell them that I feel like a homemaker. No, I am not married. No, I do not have kids. Nor do I have a white picket fence, a dog named Sparky, or awesome cleaning skills. But I feel like a homemaker non the less. Let explain why.

I work for a Christian organization called University Christian Outreach (UCO). One of our charisms is discipleship, or helping our students grow in their relationship with Jesus Christ. One of the ways that we help our students grow in discipleship is by encouraging them to live together during their college years in living situations referred to as Households.

What is a Household? At it's core its a group of same-sex folks ages 18-24ish committed to living together and supporting each other through their Christian walk. While each Household looks and feels a little different, each member of the house commits to several household patterns each week, mainly morning prayer, dinners together, evening prayer, and Saturday Lord's Days.

Preparing for a Lord's Day 

In order for Households to run well, each member also commits to upholding certain rules. Rules give each house member clear expectations for things like bills, curfews, modesty, and service expectations.  The area of house rules was a challenging one for me to accept at first. Especially the rule about no television in house common areas. But overtime, I have learned to see our house rules as a source of freedom, and a way for me to love and serve my sisters.

The women's household in Pittsburgh is an interesting one. Six women, plus a mischievous bowling ball named Bob, live in it. We're a fun mix of backgrounds, college majors, and personalities. All of us are slightly addicted to Pinterest for inspiration for household meals. Our house doesn't have a name yet, but I think we should call it Cookie Manor seeing as we all love to bake. We even have a tradition known as Cookie Thursday where one of us bakes a new cookie recipe to bring to our UCO prayer meetings.

We live in Shadyside, a neighborhood located within the city of Pittsburgh. Despite it's name, Shadyside is one of Pittsburgh's hidden gems with plenty of places to eat, run, and drink coffee. Ellsworth Avenue, Shadyside's main drag, is home to some of the most beautiful homes I have ever seen. The neighborhood is a nice mix of graduate students from local universities, young families trying to figure out how to walk their dogs and their strollers simultaneously, and senior citizens who can trace their ancestry back to Pittsburgh steel tycoons.

Home Sweet Home

The house itself was built in 1900, before electricity, central plumbing, or refrigerators, so naturally we have two fruit cellars. The house is quite spacious-we each have our own room, and can comfortably fit twenty to thirty people in our living room/dining room for parties. Like most turn of the century homes, something is always falling apart, much to the annoyance of our household leader. If you look out from our front door, you can picture carriages pulling up to drop off ladies for afternoon tea.

Horse and Buggy Shot

Living in Household makes me feel like a homemaker because it gives me the structure to create a home for myself, my friends, and college women in the Pittsburgh area. My 19 year old women's studies major is probably rolling over in her grave right now, but I really like my new role. I am very grateful that the Lord has called us together to be a home, a light to the nations, unified by our love for Christ and each other.

The Best Place in Pittsburgh: Seat 107 CLP (Main)

Instagramed shot of CLP (Main) 

While all Pittsburgh natives agree that Pittsburgh is the best city in the world, no one can agree on what the best place in Pittsburgh is.

Sports buffs love cheering on 'dem Stillers at Heinz Field. The Pittsburgh version of the hipster (those uber cool folks who really do bike uphill both ways to school) can tell you which neighborhood farmer's market to go to for the best Saturday morning flowers. Come Lent, parishioners of the 50+ Catholic Parishes of Pittsburgh will shamlessly plug their parish for the coveted Best Fish Fry of the Year Award.

But as a Pittsburgh native, I know what the best place in Pittsburgh is. The Carnegie Libraries of Pittsburgh (CLP).

I first encountered CLP during my childhood summers. During the summer months, charged with looking after a bookish smart-aleck while her daughter put in long hours in the operating room, Granny was always on the lookout for free ways to entertain said bookworm. Her solution? Tuesdays became Library day.

During the late 1990s, CLP began to sponsor a program called Summer Reading Club as a way to trick (I mean, encourage) kids to continue to read once school let out for the summer. Every time you read a book, you were given so many raffle tickets that you could submit to win a prize. The more books you read, the more chances you had to win. And they were good prizes. Like 164 packs of Crayola Crayons.

Since she lived in Glassport, Granny decided to sign me up at the McKeesport Branch of the CLP. She bravely co-signed for my very first library card,  and gave me my very own cardboard box to carry my ten weekly books back and forth in.

But Granny, always on the lookout for ways to tame my already healthy ego, knew that she needed to find some kind of service for me to do lest Tuesday's turn her granddaughter into a reading monster. One day, her sister-in-law mentioned that she planted fresh flowers on the graves of our relatives at the McKeesport Cemetery. But Aunt Mammie worried how she would find the time to care for the flowers between her work schedule, and caring for her mother and brother? Granny told her not to worry, she knew just the eager eight year old for the job.

From then on, Tuesdays became Cemetery and Library day. Every Tuesday morning during the summer we would load up Granny's blue min-van with four empty plastic milk cartons, two knee pads, and a small shovel and travel to McKeesport Cemetery to weed and water.

At first I was not happy with our weekly trips to the Cemetery. I saw them as an unjust encroachment on my library time.  I may or may not have thrown a tantrum or two. Or three. But Granny was insistent. No cemetery. No library.

I look back now and see those summer Tuesdays as the highlight of my childhood. Spending time with Granny in the cemetery taught me  a lot about my family history, respecting my elders, and creating beauty in an ugly world. CLP's Summer Reading Club helped me to fall in love with reading, learn to finish tasks I started, and appreciate the consequences of breaking rules (i.e not returning your books on time).

Granny passed away from ovarian cancer during my senior year in high school. At that point, I was working as a page at another CLP, and would soon begin my studies at the University of Pittsburgh as an English Literature and History major.  Granny was buried with the rest of our family in the McKeesport Cemetery. A couple Tuesdays a year, I drive to the cemetery to scrub bird poop off her tombstone, and water her plastic flowers.

As I sit here and write this from seat 107 in the reading room of CLP Main, I hope she's looking down from heaven and smiling.

Love Both Young People AND the Church

I just spent the last week and a half attending the Campus Outreach Academy in Lawton, Michigan with about 100 students and staff from University Christian Outreach. The goal of the academy is to equip students and staff workers for discipleship and evangelism on their college campuses.

Every year our teachings and discussions center around a theme. This year we learned about Christian virtues. One of our speakers, Dr. Thomas Bergler recently published a book entitled The Juvenilization of American Christianity (Eerdmans 2012). I thought I'd take a few minutes to share some reflections on the book and how it applies to my life as a UCO staff worker on the University of Pittsburgh's campus.

Bergler argues that American Christianity became juvenilized in the post-war era as a way to appeal to the youth whom adults believed the moral future of the world depended on (Bergler 5). He uses case studies from Liberal Protestant, Roman Catholic, Black, and Evangelical churches to provide examples for how different segments of the American population responded to juvenilization. He concludes by arguing that juvinilization revitalized American Christianity at the expense of individual spiritual maturity (Bergler 225).

I particularly enjoyed his analysis of the Black churches response to juvenilization. Before reading this book I knew that the civil rights movement, and particularly the sit-in demonstrations, grew out of and in a lot of ways depended on Black churches. Bergler's analysis convinced me of the importance of community (a group of people united under a common vision and mission) in standing up to juvenilization. For example, Bergler argues that, "unlike white Protestants, African Americans did not need to create a 'hip' version of Christianity to provoke young people to embrace social justice... dramatic injustices forced every young person to realize that some things were more important than fun and entertainment" (Bergler 93). 

Unfortunately, Black churches did not escape juvenilization when they decided to trade in the gospel of Christ for the gospel of racial justice. This case study forced me to think about what I've traded the gospel of Christ for in my own life? Maybe my gospel is a belief that my life is supposed to matter, so how can I make a difference with my life? What schools do I need to go to to land a high paying job? What moral compromises am I willing to make to get ahead?

Overall I found the book very helpful and accessible. He makes a thorough historical argument for the juvenilization of Christianity across social, political, and economic lines with language accessible to the youth workers he seeks to reform. His book reminded me of Romans 12 (do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind) and encouraged me to think critically about my consumption of American culture.

My favorite part of the book, however, was his conclusion were he offers advice for youth workers trying to reach out to students living in a culture saturated with the effects of juvenilization. I'm going to end this post with his tips. Then tape them to my whiteboard.

Tips for Taming Juvenilation

1. Teach your students what the Bible says about spiritual maturity (i.e every Christian need strive for it!)

2. Educate yourself about juvenilization and serve as a cultural gatekeeper for your organization (i.e think critically about teenage culture and prayerfully discern its usage)

3. Love both young people AND the church (or risk losing both the best of the new and the treasures of the past)

23 Life Lessons, 23 Years in the Making

It's probably presumptuous of me to assert that I've acquired any real wisdom by 23. But since it's by birthday, I thought I'd share with you 23 Life Lessons, 23 Years in the Making...

1. "Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3 :5-6. Learned this lesson the hard way. Life just works better when you put your faith in the Lord and not in yourself.

2. A day that begins with coffee is usually better than a day that does not.

3. You should try to do at least one thing everyday that scares you. How else are you going to come up with the chapter titles for your autobiography?

4. "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art..it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that gives value to survival" (C.S. Lewis)

5. If your bookshelf is taller than you, you'll never grow up.

6. A cluttered desk indicates an organized mind.

7. Pray often. In fact, pray as though your life depends on it. Because it does.

8. Men are different than women. For men this is self-evident. Most women do not discover this until they start working with them.

9. Sometime's it's smart to due dumb things. Like volunteering to serve as a missionary the year after you graduate from college. Smartest life decision yet.

10. There are few problems in life that a good run won't solve.

11. Being single is a gift. Embrace it. Treasure it. Delight in it.

12. Take the time to figure out what you want to do with your life. Why? Because "freedom son's a dirty shirt/The sun on my face and my shovel in the dirt/My shovel in the dirt keeps the devil gone/I woke up this morning shackled and drawn." (Bruce Springsteen "Shackled and Drawn")

13. Take the time to learn how to cook. Not all of us were created to be great chefs, but none of us were created to live on microwaved dinners and frozen pizza.

14. "If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit." (Dad)

15. If a book isn't holding your attention by the third hour into it, put it down. Life's too short.

16. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11)

17. "Tis better to sit back and have others think that you're dumb, then to stand up and prove it." Spoken by Mr. Shaner, my seventh grade language arts teacher.

18. A best friend is someone who's got your back, and will kick your butt.

19. Do not post anything on Facebook you wouldn't want your grandmother to see. Or your high school English teacher, or your ex-boyfriend's mother, or your cousin that you only see at family reunions. Because they ALL will.

20. If you forgive those who've hurt you, you'll stop hurting yourself.

21. Your early twenties are the perfect time to develop an eccentric hobby. When your eighty, you want to be able to tell your great grand kids about the time you thought it was a good idea to take a yoga class in a 90 degree studio in the middle of July.

22. "All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king"( J.R.R Tolkien.)

23. The only constant in life is change.

Catching My Breath in a Room of My Own

One of my favorite essays that I read as an undergraduate at Pitt was Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own. As I was setting up my bookshelf yesterday in my new room, I couldn't help but skim some of my highlighted passages. In her essay, Woolfe argues that women are great writers, but cannot write in their current social environments because "a woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction" (Woolfe 4). Such a simple statement. A statement that helps me make sense of why I've been unable to write in the last month.

About a month ago I moved from Ann Arbor, Michigan back to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to spend time with my family before moving into Household and working for University Christian Outreach (UCO). The first two weeks home were really difficult for me because of the culture shock. I went from living with nine women in a space designed for 3 to living with my mom and sister in a space that could easily fit double that. My mom works the daylight shift as a nurse, and my sister works evenings as a waitress, so I spent a lot of time at home by myself. The suburbs can be quite a lonely place on a weekday afternoon when you have nothing to do. Also, my mom and sister are the type of people who eat a pot of coffee for breakfast, sunflower seeds and a piece of fruit for lunch, then everything but the kitchen sink for dinner. I'm the type of person who skips a meal only when violently ill.

Another area I struggled with being at my parent's house was having a consistent prayer time. It's hard to find a time to pray when you're living out of boxes and unsure what's going on. Eventually I realized that if prayer time was a priority for me, I'd have to prioritize it one day at a time. By the third week I started driving my mother to work (at 6:30 am!) and having my prayer time right when I got home. In consistently offering my loneliness and frustrations over to the Lord, the culture shock began to lift. I began moving my things into Household, and a moved in officially last night.

What can I compare to the joy of sleeping in your own bed for the first time in 11 months? In a room of one's own? It feels like catching your breath after running a race you didn't think you could finish. Now that your blood's no longer pounding so violently in your head, you can hear your internal voice again. The race stretched and challenged you, but it's the cool down that makes you feel most like yourself.

When I look around my new room, I see a tangible expression of how the Lord worked through me on my GAP year. My mom's old chest of draws, my sister's desk, a desk chair from my grandparent's kitchen table remind me that my family loves me and will continue to support me wherever life leads me. My bookshelf crammed with everything from Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man to Dr. Seuss' O The Places You'll Go! encourages me to learn something new everyday. The sunlight streaming across my black prayer chair reminds me to fix my eyes on the Lord during this time of transition. And my fireplace (ps. our house was built in 1900!) covered with the photographs of the women and men I've met along my journey reminds me of the Lord's love for me.

Typing with Nine Fingers

This week in summer household, we're reflecting on the Lord's peace. I find this topic particularly fitting, and perhaps a tad ironic, because I'm feeling pretty anxious these days.

Less than one week from today I move back to Pittsburgh. See my last blog post for my thoughts on transitions. In the next six weeks, I will be moving twice, seeking employment, preparing for summer camp, and preparing for UCO staff work. Not to mention catching up with the family and friends I haven't seen in the last year. Plus processing the emotional and spiritual vestiges of my GAP year. In the week to come, I need to pack, schedule goodbyes, coordinate the move, buy my sister a birthday present, finish my newsletter, write out thank-you cards, and finish my career counseling course. All while participating fully in the last week of summer household. 

During my personal prayer time this morning I basically presented the Lord with a list of my anxieties and asked him to bless them. The Lord in turn showed me that my to-do list of anxieties point to a lack of trust in his grace and goodness. Instead of offering my fears of the future over to God, I'm internalizing them and turning into a basket case. 

Case in point. I'm currently writing this blog post from a laundry mat. I was in such a rush to get out the door this morning (aka start crossing things off my mile long to-do list) I left my money at home. When we arrived at the laundry mat, I started frantically digging through my bag for the money I left at home. In the process, I pricked my finger on a pencil and dripped blood over half the contents of my laundry bag. Thankfully my housemate gave me one of those "you're-being-an-idiot-stop-it" hugs and lent me the money to wash my cloths. 

As I sit here trying to type with nine fingers, I'm realizing that I can't depend on circumstances to bring me peace, or I'll never be peaceful. I can choose to respond to stressful situations with peace or  with anxiety. Not the fake peace that comes from disengaging from reality, but the true peace that comes from trusting in the Lord. My need to rely more on the Lord for peace reminds me of the passage in Exodus 14 right before the Israelites cross the Red Sea into the Promised Land. Petrified by their fears of the unknown they ask Moses:

 Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? ¹² Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!”  Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.

The Lord did not call me out of Egypt (my post-GAP life) to have me drown in the Red Sea (my GAP year) before reaching the Promised Land (Adult Christianity). The Lord knew what he was doing when he called me on a GAP year, and I trust that he will continue to provide for me in this next step. I trust that the Rebecca that will be moving back to Pittsburgh is not the Becky who left it. 

On that note, I think it's time to take my laundry out of the dryer...

So, I Don't Do Transitions Well...

When I was a child, I was always that kid who turned into a brat the last month of school.Most kids turned into brats because they were too excited about the approaching summer. I turned into a brat because I didn't want the school year to end. From a young age I knew that the end of a school year ment my schedule was going to change, and I resisted that change by being moody and throwing temper tantrums.

I hate transitions. In conversations I often jump from one unrelated point to another, and become frustrated when a friend or co-worker can't keep up. I received an A- on my high school senior thesis because I forgot to transition from one body paragraph to another. 

Part of the reason that it's been a month since my last blog post is because my life lately has been a series of major transitions. Three weeks ago I moved out of my home on Elizabeth Street and into the apartments above the Word of Life office to participate in Summer Household, a six week summer residential program. Saying goodbye to the women I lived, and sought the Lord with was tough. The move itself was tough, let alone living with nine new women in a space designed for thee. 

Two and a half weeks ago my GAP year officially ended. In a span of 48 hours I parted with part of my identity, twelve of the craziest, sweetest, solid partners in crime I've ever known, and the structure and stability that comes with a clear sense of vision and purpose. The day after my GAP year ended I had my second sob fest since I arrived in August. The first was a reaction to the pain of my ruptured galb bladder. 

What makes this period of transition particularly painful is that there does not appear to be an end in sight. In three weeks I move back to my parent's house for two weeks before I move again into the house I'll be living in for the next year. While I'm adjusting to life in Pittsburgh again I need to find a part-time job, figure out how to locate and afford a used car, and catch up on the relationships I've put on hold for a year. All while trying to rest and prepare myself for the exciting adventure known as your first year of UCO Staff work. 

As I'm processing all of my fears and anxieties about the next several months, I'm reminded of a scripture passage from Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future."

I do not know what the next several months are going to look like. I do know that the only way to find out is to trust in the Lord and in his plans for my life. I may hate transitions, but my life is a testament to the way in which the Lord can transition the lives of people who are willing. 

NYC: The Perfect Place for a JK Experiment

When I say the word "vacation," what images pop into your head? The beach? Art museums? Airports? Well if you're like me, the word vacation involves traveling to a new place and learning some new things about yourself in the process. Let me share with you a few reflections from my week with The Brotherhood of Hope community in Warren, NJ. 

You may be wondering why I went on vacation at all? Am I not on a GAP year, doing a year of service in Ann Arbor? One of the reasons for doing a GAP year is to explore community life in a community other than your home community. Naturally, our vacation would give us the opportunity to visit with another Sword of the Spirit Community, the Brotherhood of Hope in NJ. 

I stayed in the Saint Paul's Outreach (SPO)'s women's house. SPO is the community's college outreach, similar to UCO except that they work to foster ecumenism in a Catholic setting. I found the women we stayed with to be very gracious and hospitable . All of us enjoyed watching season 1 of Downton Abbey on their big screen TV. On our last night there, we attended their final Spirit Night (prayer meeting) of the semester. It was really cool for me to see that though we have different calls, we can still praise the Lord together. 

Another reason we went to NJ for vacation is because it's about an hour drive from New York City, a perfect place for a JK experiment. JK are my bosses initials. Throughout the year, he's been sending us on unexpected missions that force us work together in interesting ways. Case in point. Back in November, he sent three Americans, two Germans, and a Mexican to the Pittsburgh retreat. In order to get there, we had to navigate the Ohio turnpike and backwoods Pennsylvanian roads. We arrived at the retreat in one piece. The ride back, however, grew from a 6 hour trip to an 12 hour trip as we made a sightseeing detour in Pittsburgh, almost ran out of gas in Lordstown, and stopped at every rest stop on the Ohio turnpike. Many of us consider that trip the highlight of our GAP years.

So why was NYC a JK experiment? The 13 of us could do whatever we wanted for two days. Now it is impossible for 13 people to make a decision about anything, so we had to split into smaller groups. After visiting the World Trade Center Memorial. the guys went to Central Park, and the girls headed to St. Patrick's Cathedral. When there, I slipped into a pew and knew I had a decision to make. 

At that point of the trip, I was feeling pretty cranky. See I'm an introvert, and it's pretty hard to get alone time when you are sharing a bedroom with seven girls. As I sat in the pew, I knew that I could either find another introvert in our group to wander around the city with, or I could stay with the big group and be miserable. Thankfully at that moment, one of my friends approached me and asked me if I wanted to go to New York Public Library with her. For some reason, no one else wanted to go with us, and off we went.

We spent the majority of our time in NYC together visiting New York Public Library, Little Italy, Time's Square, Grand Central Station, Central Park, The Museum of Natural History, Bloomindale's, and Fifth Avenue. Together we learned to navigate the subway, negotiate with street vendors, and the difference between African and Asian mammals. From our time together, I learned that I am not a fly by the seams of your pants kind of person, and that structure and solitude are good things. Overall I'd say that the JK experiment was a success, and definetly one of the highlights of my GAP year. 

If the Calling of Christ Feels Too Big, Then You're Dreaming Too Small

Last night at my house dinner we discussed what each of our eight year old selves dreamed of being when we grew up. The answers ranged from professional soccer player, to princess, to killer whale deep sea diver. Some of my friends are currently living their dreams, some are finding ways to live out new dreams.

I was hesitant to share my answer with the group. See when I was eight, I wanted to be a teacher.  But I didn't want to become a teacher because I wanted to change the world one compound-complex sentence at a time. I wanted to become a teacher because it's what most of the adult women in my life did. Teaching wasn't my dream, but a way for me to limit my dream of becoming a writer.

After dinner my housemates and I attended our last UCO prayer meeting of the year. Interestingly enough, the night's talk was about vision. Specifically how high, deep, and Christ-centered are our visions for our lives? See as Christians, our vision for our life needs to be Christ's vision. Specifically, that we "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit" (Matthew 28: 19).

What a high vision! But a high vision has not roots without depth. If our vision is to make disciples of all the nations, that vision can and should change the world. In fact, our mission director argued that if my vision for my life does not include changing the world, then it's too small. I therefore need to live according to the belief that God will do big things with my life.

But how do I incorporate a vision for discipleship and evangelism into my daily life? In order for me to be faithful to Christ's big vision for my life, I need to be faithful to the smaller things. For example, do my finances reflect my faithfulness to myself or to my church and community? Is my job helping me fulfill my call to discipleship, or am I just passing time until payday? Am I dressing modestly out of love for my brothers, or out of a need for others to recognize my holiness?

If the calling of Christ feels too big, then you are dreaming too small. Dreams should scare you, and at times feel out too big and out of reach. It's only when we make it our life mission to abide in Christ that we can fulfill our mission to raise a family of disciples capable of leading the next generation to Christ.

Reflections on the Lord's Faithfulness

Last night at our UCO Prayer Meeting, I heard a talk that really hit home with me about the Lord's faithfulness. I'd like to share some of my thoughts and reflections on the Lord's faithfulness and how I see it work in my own life.

What is faithfulness? I confess, I Googled it. Faithfulness means remaining true to one's word, steady in allegiance, unchangeable, and reliable. I again confess, none of the characteristics of faithfulness come easily to me.

While faithfulness does not come easily to me, it does to the Lord. When I think back to three years ago when I made the decision to personally follow Christ, I see the Lord's faithful hand at pruning my life circumstances so that I could better serve him. Me participating in this GAP year is probably the best example of the Lord's faithfulness in my life, because it took years for the Lord to open my heart to the idea.

So why do I struggle with faithfulness given that I follow an always faithful God? I'll give you an example: my service with Asian Outreach (AO). To be faithful to AO often costs me something. We have our Dinners and Bible Studies every Friday night, which means I often have to turn down invitations to other social events. I've also learned that it is simply impossible to whip up an authentic Asian dinner without first spending quality time in the kitchen chopping garlic, ginger, and scallions. Perhaps most difficult is remaining faithful to sharing the gospel with the women in AO. It's the most important aspect of my service, but also the part that brings me the most anxiety and fear.

Earlier in the year as I was sharing these concerns with my supervisor, he said something I've since repeated to myself when I find the call to faithfulness too overwhelming. He said:


"The quality of your service is measured by your faithfulness, not their response; nevertheless, earnestly desire their salvation, as the Lord himself does."


Faithfulness is not merely a Gapper job description, it's a way for me to emulate Christ. Faithfully sharing the gospel with others is part of my call to discipleship, a call I need to take more seriously. For I cannot be Christ's disciple unless I desire to make disciples of all the nations. Yes, being faithful costs me something. But my costs pale in comparison with what it costs the Lord to remain faithful to me.    
 

Beaten with the Stick of Humility

Before I came on my GAP year, I thought I was basically a good person. People admired my intelligence and appreciated my disciplined approach to life. I've never killed anyone, and, aside from my sister's clothes, never stolen anything.  I thought I didn't have any major sins that the Lord needed to heal me from this year. In case you haven't already guessed, the main sin I struggle with is pride.

Take today for example. I spent the day cleaning and organizing my boss' closet. Now, cleaning and organizing are the  two least pleasurable tasks in the world because they never end. The only things that stay clean and organized are things that you never use, and you never clean and organize things you don't use.

But if I'm honest with myself, the real reason I hate cleaning and organizing is because I think it's beneath me. I derive pleasure from using my brain to analyze people and situations. Organizing a closet? Pretty straight forward. Since I don't derive any pleasure from cleaning and organizing, I prefer to leave it to someone else. Stupid, selfish pride.

But if I had to choose a theme for my GAP year, I'd call it a year of being beaten with the stick of humility. This year has stripped me of all of my former conceptions of identity (student, History major, employee, etc) and left me with only my identity in Christ.

What does it mean to have an identity in Christ? It means that my behavior should mirror his, that I should desire to be holy. Well holiness does not come naturally to me, mainly because of my pride. The Lord knows this, and his response is to discipline me. I love the following passage from Hebrews, and refer to it whenever I'm having trouble adjusting my attitude towards my service:

"Endure trials for the sake of discipline. God is

treating you like children; for what child is there

whom a parent does not discipline? If you do

not have that discipline in which all children

share, then you are illegitimate and not his children...

Now, discipline always seems painful rather than 

pleasant at the time, but later it yields the 

peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who

have been trained by it" (Hebrews 12: 7-8, 11)

This year the Lord is disciplining me by requiring that I give him complete control over my schedule, social life, finances, and future. He's using my service to beat me with the stick of humility so I learn to rely more on him and less on myself. 

Jesus did not need a college degree to spread the gospel and wash his disciples feet. In the same way I should see this season of bathroom cleaning, closet organizing, and garlic chopping as an opportunity for the Lord to beat the pride right out of me. 

My Heart Searches Restlessly

For GAP Homework this month, we each had to read an autobiography or a biography of a Christian from a tradition other than our own then give a presentation about it. Since we had a month to complete this assignment, I decided to challenge myself and read Confessions by Saint Augustine.

Why did I chose this book? When we went on our opening GAP retreat in August, I stumbled across a song by Ed Conlin entitled "Prayer of Augustine." Intrigued I began to study the lyrics:

Oh Beauty Ancient, O Beauty So New
Long have I loved thee, but feebly yet do
Thou you were with me I was not with you
Then you shown your face and I was blind no more

My heart searches restlessly
And finds no rest, till it rests in thee
O Seeker you sought for me
Your love has found me, I am taken by thee

Lord in my deafness you cried out to me,
I drew new breath and your fragrance I breathe
O fount of life you are forever the same,
O fire of love, come set me aflame.

My heart searches restlessly
And finds no rest, till it rests in thee
O Seeker you sought for me
Your love has found me, I am taken by thee

I'd never heard this song before my GAP year, but since that retreat I sing it at least once a week. The refrain really resonates with me, the idea of a restless heart seeking comfort and satisfaction in anything and everything but the Lord. One of the privileges of a GAP year is that you have more time to think. But unless you use that time to intentionally draw closer to the Lord (prayer time, attending bible Studies and prayer meetings, etc) you'll waste a lot of time on Facebook, Gmail, and Hulu. Another stumbling block with more free time means you've got to spend more time with yourself then with school, a job, your family, etc. God will reveal some truly nasty things about yourself given the time and your willingness to listen.

So after months of listening to this song, when the chance came to read an autobiography, I immediately chose Augustine. Did you know that most scholars consider Confessions to be the first autobiography of Western literature? It was written between 397 and 398 AD. Pretty cool, huh?

That being said, I found Confessions pretty challenging to read. Augustine divides Confessions into 13 books, the first nine contain his biography, and the last four his theological reflections. The first nine books are much more accessible than the last four.  Augustine tells the story of a man struggling with the intellectual side of faith, something that I often struggle with. His famous prayer of "Lord make me chaste, but not yet" echoes throughout these books as he struggles to completely trust the Lord with his life. The last four books were a bit painful to read as they explore concepts such as memory, time, creation, and the trinity. Interesting topics, but a little too philosophical in his analysis for my taste.

So what did I take away from Confessions and how do I apply this autobiography to my GAP year? The main thing I learned was that it's okay to question Christianity and treat it as a topic worthy of serious analysis. I think too often American culture treats Christianity as a given and treat its justification lazily. I also learned that the road to Christianity is often a winding one full of many false starts, and a lot of hurry up and waiting.

Augustine's plea to make me chaste, but not yet struck a cord with me because I realize I pray this prayer a lot through the media I consume, the way I relate to my brothers, and how I view my service. The Lord wants complete abandonment in him, and I am often only willing to offer myself to a point. How am I to offer myself more fully to the Lord? Maybe I need to stop searching for things other than the Lord to satisfy loneliness, anger, and frustration. Alas, "my heart searches restlessly, and finds no rest till it rests in thee."

Detroit 2012

For Spring Break I had the opportunity to serve with the poor in Detroit, Michigan. We served with Urban Encounters, a program sponsored by Youth-Works Detroit, an outreach of the Word of Life Community in Ann Arbor. I thought I'd take a moment to share with you some of my experiences and reflections.

We arrived on a Tuesday morning to the Youth-Works Office for a brief orientation with the Detroit gapper responsible for organizing our trip. As she went through our weekly schedule, I silently thanked the Lord for not assigning me that task. I do not envy her for having the most difficult job of any North American Gapper.  After our orientation, we changed into our work cloths and headed to Brightmoor.

Brightmoor is one of Detroit's neighborhoods targeted for revitalization by the US government. The colloquial name for the neighborhood is "Blightmoor" because the area's fallen into such disrepair. That afternoon we helped a Ph.D student in anthropology prime her walls and clean her kitchen. She told us that she received the house for free after an elderly hoarder died in the house with no relatives. She said that she basically had to gut the place and start from scratch. I asked her when she hoped to move in, and she said "tomorrow."

The next morning the women went to help Sister Judy deliver lunch to the poor in Detroit's central and east side. We didn't have a lot of sandwiches to make that morning because Kroger generously donated about fifty sandwiches. This gave Sister Judy time to share her story with us. A native of Northern Michigan, she felt called to enter the convent as a teenager. But the Lord had other plans for her when she married at 16 and had 7 children before her husband died at 28. After raising her children, she felt called to become a nun and serve the poor in Detroit. So every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and sometimes Friday she loads up her van and delivers her lunches to those in need. Delivering Lunches with her was quite an eye-opening experience. She'd stop at houses that had no heat, or electricity, and often no windows, and a cracking foundation. The hardest part was seeing the kids come out and get lunches for their families at a time when they should be in school.

We served in many ways this week: with Bezalel Program, an after school program for elementary students, with their Youth Group, with ABC Bible School, and we even helped with some urban gardens. But for me the most life-changing moment of the trip was attending the Soup Kitchen with Brother Ed.

In addition to serving food to the homeless in the area, this Soup Kitchen offers daily Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings lead by Brother Ed. So everyday about 30 men and one or two women meet to share their stories and encourage each other in their sobriety. I have never seen Jesus so clearly as I did when I listened to these men and women share their stories of addiction and recovery. Recovering from an addiction is difficult when you're trying to do it with a strong family and support system. These men and women are trying to stay sober while living on the streets with almost unlimited access to drugs and alcohol. Sobriety doesn't "solve" the problem of their poverty and homelessness, in some ways it makes the experience of everyday life more painful.

What really struck me from the meeting was the willingness of a group of mostly black addicts to allow three white girls to come to their meeting and hear their stories. I thought back to my own life about how often I exclude people based on superficial things like clothing choices or hairstyles. If the situation were reversed, would I allow these men into my life? Their openness and vulnerability served to strip me of my pride and leave me feeling raw and vulnerable. The meeting really called me on to live out the message James gives us:

"You do well if you really fulfill the royal law according to the scripture, ' You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' But if you show partiality you commit sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors." (James 2: 8-9).

"To Love At All is to Be Vulnerable"

So I've got a confession to make. I don't hate Valentine's Day. In fact, it's my fourth favorite holiday (after Easter, Christmas, and my birthday). Here's another interesting fact: I'm single. And have been for the past five Valentine's Days. I thought I'd take a moment to explain how those two seemingly contradictory thoughts make sense.

Single. Why am I single? Great question. The simple answer to that question is because I choose to be. As a recent college graduate in her early twenties, my life is pretty unpredictable, and sometimes downright chaotic. I have no idea where I'm going to be living five months for now, let alone five years from now. I'm still discerning major life decisions like employment, vocation, and community. It's not fair for me to ask someone to commit to me before I do.

A second reason I'm single is because I need to be. I chose to dedicate a year of my life to mission work. In order to invest in the relationships with the men and women I've been called to serve with and alongside, I cannot invest in a single romantic relationship. I like to think of it as I need to be single, versus I have to be single because "having to be single" negates my choice, as well as the joy I've experienced as a result of my choice.

One way I can share with others the joy of singleness is to refuse to become bitter about Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day, at it's core, is about showing your love for others, and feeling loved by others. So why not take a day to celebrate all the relationships God has placed in your life?  Take a minute to write your roommate a note honoring her for the way she always lends a sympathetic ear when you're having a bad day. Thank your co-worker for the times he's cleaned the kitchen so you could meet your deadline. Text your family and thank them for their prayers and support as you spread your wings in a new city.

Part of the reason that people become bitter about Valentine's Day is because of the commercialization of the holiday. Why have we allowed Valentine's Day to become all about the card, flowers, and expensive presents? Because this "stuff" distracts us from the vulnerabilities of love. It's much easier to buy someone a dozen roses and scribble "I Love You" on the card, then caring for your beloved when he/she falls ill. I think I'll wrap up this post with a quote from C.S.Lewis, which explains why I think reclaiming Valentine's Day as a celebration of loving others and feeling loved by others is a principle worth fighting for:

" To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Knowing About God vs. Knowing God

Happy February everyone! This week for GAP training, we've been assigned chapters to read from Knowing God by J.I. Packer. Sure enough, the Lord used this book to teach me a lesson this week on the difference between knowing about God and knowing God. Let me explain.

The Ann Arbor chapter of UCO is completing it's fourth week of the Life in the Spirit Fridays (LSF). LSF is a series of introduction to Christianity talks were we discuss who God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and sin are as well as their roles in our everyday lives. LSF culminates with a time of prayer on the fifth night where we'll pray with our discussion groups for dedication, renewal, and gifts of the Holy Spirit. I've never felt the Lord's presence more powerfully than at LSF. Crammed into 716 Catherine Street with about 70 other people, there is no space for faking enthusiasm or blending in.

When we split into discussion groups, I help lead the discussion group with students from Asian Outreach (AO). The AO discussion group is unlike any of the other discussion groups in that most of our students are grappling with Christian ideas for the first time. During discussion time our students don't ask us "how do I use the gifts of the Holy Spirit to grow in discipleship?" but "who is God, and how do I know he's real?"

Before participating in the AO discussion group, I don't think anyone asked me point blank "who is God, and how do I know he's real?" Christian teachings underlies so much of American culture, that even Americans who don't identify as Christians know who God is even if they choose not to know him personally. But Asian young adults who grew up amongst the vestiges of China's Cultural Revolution lack the cultural assumption of religion as a foundation of a countries moral values.

So how does this all tie into Knowing God? I can share with my discussion group who God is just by knowing about God. I can share with them the story of Genesis, and suggest books for further reading. But in order to convince my discussion group that God is real, and not just the hero of an interesting story, I have to know God personally.To know God I must spend time with him in prayer and worship. To know God I must respond to his teachings by modifying my behaviors that contradict his teachings. To know God I must be will to share step out in faith and share the gospel with the men and women God has placed in my life. For:

"What makes life worth while is having a big enough objective, something which catches our imagination and lays hold of our allegiance, and this the Christian has, in a way no other man has. For what higher, more exalted, and more compelling goal can there be that to know God?" (Packer 30).

Ironic isn't it? You set aside a year of your life to serve others, and God uses your service as an opportunity to serve you.