Beaten with the Stick of Humility

Before I came on my GAP year, I thought I was basically a good person. People admired my intelligence and appreciated my disciplined approach to life. I've never killed anyone, and, aside from my sister's clothes, never stolen anything.  I thought I didn't have any major sins that the Lord needed to heal me from this year. In case you haven't already guessed, the main sin I struggle with is pride.

Take today for example. I spent the day cleaning and organizing my boss' closet. Now, cleaning and organizing are the  two least pleasurable tasks in the world because they never end. The only things that stay clean and organized are things that you never use, and you never clean and organize things you don't use.

But if I'm honest with myself, the real reason I hate cleaning and organizing is because I think it's beneath me. I derive pleasure from using my brain to analyze people and situations. Organizing a closet? Pretty straight forward. Since I don't derive any pleasure from cleaning and organizing, I prefer to leave it to someone else. Stupid, selfish pride.

But if I had to choose a theme for my GAP year, I'd call it a year of being beaten with the stick of humility. This year has stripped me of all of my former conceptions of identity (student, History major, employee, etc) and left me with only my identity in Christ.

What does it mean to have an identity in Christ? It means that my behavior should mirror his, that I should desire to be holy. Well holiness does not come naturally to me, mainly because of my pride. The Lord knows this, and his response is to discipline me. I love the following passage from Hebrews, and refer to it whenever I'm having trouble adjusting my attitude towards my service:

"Endure trials for the sake of discipline. God is

treating you like children; for what child is there

whom a parent does not discipline? If you do

not have that discipline in which all children

share, then you are illegitimate and not his children...

Now, discipline always seems painful rather than 

pleasant at the time, but later it yields the 

peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who

have been trained by it" (Hebrews 12: 7-8, 11)

This year the Lord is disciplining me by requiring that I give him complete control over my schedule, social life, finances, and future. He's using my service to beat me with the stick of humility so I learn to rely more on him and less on myself. 

Jesus did not need a college degree to spread the gospel and wash his disciples feet. In the same way I should see this season of bathroom cleaning, closet organizing, and garlic chopping as an opportunity for the Lord to beat the pride right out of me. 

My Heart Searches Restlessly

For GAP Homework this month, we each had to read an autobiography or a biography of a Christian from a tradition other than our own then give a presentation about it. Since we had a month to complete this assignment, I decided to challenge myself and read Confessions by Saint Augustine.

Why did I chose this book? When we went on our opening GAP retreat in August, I stumbled across a song by Ed Conlin entitled "Prayer of Augustine." Intrigued I began to study the lyrics:

Oh Beauty Ancient, O Beauty So New
Long have I loved thee, but feebly yet do
Thou you were with me I was not with you
Then you shown your face and I was blind no more

My heart searches restlessly
And finds no rest, till it rests in thee
O Seeker you sought for me
Your love has found me, I am taken by thee

Lord in my deafness you cried out to me,
I drew new breath and your fragrance I breathe
O fount of life you are forever the same,
O fire of love, come set me aflame.

My heart searches restlessly
And finds no rest, till it rests in thee
O Seeker you sought for me
Your love has found me, I am taken by thee

I'd never heard this song before my GAP year, but since that retreat I sing it at least once a week. The refrain really resonates with me, the idea of a restless heart seeking comfort and satisfaction in anything and everything but the Lord. One of the privileges of a GAP year is that you have more time to think. But unless you use that time to intentionally draw closer to the Lord (prayer time, attending bible Studies and prayer meetings, etc) you'll waste a lot of time on Facebook, Gmail, and Hulu. Another stumbling block with more free time means you've got to spend more time with yourself then with school, a job, your family, etc. God will reveal some truly nasty things about yourself given the time and your willingness to listen.

So after months of listening to this song, when the chance came to read an autobiography, I immediately chose Augustine. Did you know that most scholars consider Confessions to be the first autobiography of Western literature? It was written between 397 and 398 AD. Pretty cool, huh?

That being said, I found Confessions pretty challenging to read. Augustine divides Confessions into 13 books, the first nine contain his biography, and the last four his theological reflections. The first nine books are much more accessible than the last four.  Augustine tells the story of a man struggling with the intellectual side of faith, something that I often struggle with. His famous prayer of "Lord make me chaste, but not yet" echoes throughout these books as he struggles to completely trust the Lord with his life. The last four books were a bit painful to read as they explore concepts such as memory, time, creation, and the trinity. Interesting topics, but a little too philosophical in his analysis for my taste.

So what did I take away from Confessions and how do I apply this autobiography to my GAP year? The main thing I learned was that it's okay to question Christianity and treat it as a topic worthy of serious analysis. I think too often American culture treats Christianity as a given and treat its justification lazily. I also learned that the road to Christianity is often a winding one full of many false starts, and a lot of hurry up and waiting.

Augustine's plea to make me chaste, but not yet struck a cord with me because I realize I pray this prayer a lot through the media I consume, the way I relate to my brothers, and how I view my service. The Lord wants complete abandonment in him, and I am often only willing to offer myself to a point. How am I to offer myself more fully to the Lord? Maybe I need to stop searching for things other than the Lord to satisfy loneliness, anger, and frustration. Alas, "my heart searches restlessly, and finds no rest till it rests in thee."

Detroit 2012

For Spring Break I had the opportunity to serve with the poor in Detroit, Michigan. We served with Urban Encounters, a program sponsored by Youth-Works Detroit, an outreach of the Word of Life Community in Ann Arbor. I thought I'd take a moment to share with you some of my experiences and reflections.

We arrived on a Tuesday morning to the Youth-Works Office for a brief orientation with the Detroit gapper responsible for organizing our trip. As she went through our weekly schedule, I silently thanked the Lord for not assigning me that task. I do not envy her for having the most difficult job of any North American Gapper.  After our orientation, we changed into our work cloths and headed to Brightmoor.

Brightmoor is one of Detroit's neighborhoods targeted for revitalization by the US government. The colloquial name for the neighborhood is "Blightmoor" because the area's fallen into such disrepair. That afternoon we helped a Ph.D student in anthropology prime her walls and clean her kitchen. She told us that she received the house for free after an elderly hoarder died in the house with no relatives. She said that she basically had to gut the place and start from scratch. I asked her when she hoped to move in, and she said "tomorrow."

The next morning the women went to help Sister Judy deliver lunch to the poor in Detroit's central and east side. We didn't have a lot of sandwiches to make that morning because Kroger generously donated about fifty sandwiches. This gave Sister Judy time to share her story with us. A native of Northern Michigan, she felt called to enter the convent as a teenager. But the Lord had other plans for her when she married at 16 and had 7 children before her husband died at 28. After raising her children, she felt called to become a nun and serve the poor in Detroit. So every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and sometimes Friday she loads up her van and delivers her lunches to those in need. Delivering Lunches with her was quite an eye-opening experience. She'd stop at houses that had no heat, or electricity, and often no windows, and a cracking foundation. The hardest part was seeing the kids come out and get lunches for their families at a time when they should be in school.

We served in many ways this week: with Bezalel Program, an after school program for elementary students, with their Youth Group, with ABC Bible School, and we even helped with some urban gardens. But for me the most life-changing moment of the trip was attending the Soup Kitchen with Brother Ed.

In addition to serving food to the homeless in the area, this Soup Kitchen offers daily Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings lead by Brother Ed. So everyday about 30 men and one or two women meet to share their stories and encourage each other in their sobriety. I have never seen Jesus so clearly as I did when I listened to these men and women share their stories of addiction and recovery. Recovering from an addiction is difficult when you're trying to do it with a strong family and support system. These men and women are trying to stay sober while living on the streets with almost unlimited access to drugs and alcohol. Sobriety doesn't "solve" the problem of their poverty and homelessness, in some ways it makes the experience of everyday life more painful.

What really struck me from the meeting was the willingness of a group of mostly black addicts to allow three white girls to come to their meeting and hear their stories. I thought back to my own life about how often I exclude people based on superficial things like clothing choices or hairstyles. If the situation were reversed, would I allow these men into my life? Their openness and vulnerability served to strip me of my pride and leave me feeling raw and vulnerable. The meeting really called me on to live out the message James gives us:

"You do well if you really fulfill the royal law according to the scripture, ' You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' But if you show partiality you commit sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors." (James 2: 8-9).