Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promises

Lately I've been struggling with this profoundly simple question: Who am I? I'm not talking about the my name is X, I just graduated from Y, with a degree in Z. These basic facts only serve to box me into the very corner I'm trying to punch my way out of.

I'm not sure where to begin to answer this question. I thought college was supposed to tell me who I am. But college taught me that no one but me can tell me who I am. Fantastic. On the bright side, college did teach me that self discovery is both a privilege and a responsibility. A privilege in that choosing the kind of life you want to live comes with the responsibility of positively contributing to the world around you.

I began my self hood journey by reading countless books about other peoples journeys of self discovery. I thought if I read enough about self-discovery, somewhere along the line I'd find myself. False. But my research did teach me that self-discovery by way of risky relationships, reckless behavior, and substance abuse usually ends right where it began, with one step forward, two steps back.

A part of me knows that it's pretty ridiculous/arrogant/unrealistic for me to demand a stable sense of self from my 21 year old self. Some days I feel like my thoughts progress at a rate parallel to a child's development in the first 24 months of life. If you'll allow me to push the metaphor a bit, I'll tell you that when I look at moms complaining about their children's terrible twos I think to myself that nothing challenges the individuals capacity for patience/tolerance/and discipline more than the terrible twenties.

In the end I came to realize that my quest for self discovery came from a deep sense of fear. Fear of a life half lived. Fear of a negotiating a life with this head full of doubt/road full of promises outlook. Fear of turning into my mother. Fear of never leaving Pittsburgh and spending the rest of my life stuck in the monotonous existence that "the good" life appears to require. Deep down I know that finding an answer to the "so now that you've graduated, what will you do with the rest of your life" question will not eradicate my fears of failure. Yet I cling to the circular thinking of self-discovery because I fear I might not like the person I will discover I am.