Beaten with the Stick of Humility

Before I came on my GAP year, I thought I was basically a good person. People admired my intelligence and appreciated my disciplined approach to life. I've never killed anyone, and, aside from my sister's clothes, never stolen anything.  I thought I didn't have any major sins that the Lord needed to heal me from this year. In case you haven't already guessed, the main sin I struggle with is pride.

Take today for example. I spent the day cleaning and organizing my boss' closet. Now, cleaning and organizing are the  two least pleasurable tasks in the world because they never end. The only things that stay clean and organized are things that you never use, and you never clean and organize things you don't use.

But if I'm honest with myself, the real reason I hate cleaning and organizing is because I think it's beneath me. I derive pleasure from using my brain to analyze people and situations. Organizing a closet? Pretty straight forward. Since I don't derive any pleasure from cleaning and organizing, I prefer to leave it to someone else. Stupid, selfish pride.

But if I had to choose a theme for my GAP year, I'd call it a year of being beaten with the stick of humility. This year has stripped me of all of my former conceptions of identity (student, History major, employee, etc) and left me with only my identity in Christ.

What does it mean to have an identity in Christ? It means that my behavior should mirror his, that I should desire to be holy. Well holiness does not come naturally to me, mainly because of my pride. The Lord knows this, and his response is to discipline me. I love the following passage from Hebrews, and refer to it whenever I'm having trouble adjusting my attitude towards my service:

"Endure trials for the sake of discipline. God is

treating you like children; for what child is there

whom a parent does not discipline? If you do

not have that discipline in which all children

share, then you are illegitimate and not his children...

Now, discipline always seems painful rather than 

pleasant at the time, but later it yields the 

peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who

have been trained by it" (Hebrews 12: 7-8, 11)

This year the Lord is disciplining me by requiring that I give him complete control over my schedule, social life, finances, and future. He's using my service to beat me with the stick of humility so I learn to rely more on him and less on myself. 

Jesus did not need a college degree to spread the gospel and wash his disciples feet. In the same way I should see this season of bathroom cleaning, closet organizing, and garlic chopping as an opportunity for the Lord to beat the pride right out of me. 

My Heart Searches Restlessly

For GAP Homework this month, we each had to read an autobiography or a biography of a Christian from a tradition other than our own then give a presentation about it. Since we had a month to complete this assignment, I decided to challenge myself and read Confessions by Saint Augustine.

Why did I chose this book? When we went on our opening GAP retreat in August, I stumbled across a song by Ed Conlin entitled "Prayer of Augustine." Intrigued I began to study the lyrics:

Oh Beauty Ancient, O Beauty So New
Long have I loved thee, but feebly yet do
Thou you were with me I was not with you
Then you shown your face and I was blind no more

My heart searches restlessly
And finds no rest, till it rests in thee
O Seeker you sought for me
Your love has found me, I am taken by thee

Lord in my deafness you cried out to me,
I drew new breath and your fragrance I breathe
O fount of life you are forever the same,
O fire of love, come set me aflame.

My heart searches restlessly
And finds no rest, till it rests in thee
O Seeker you sought for me
Your love has found me, I am taken by thee

I'd never heard this song before my GAP year, but since that retreat I sing it at least once a week. The refrain really resonates with me, the idea of a restless heart seeking comfort and satisfaction in anything and everything but the Lord. One of the privileges of a GAP year is that you have more time to think. But unless you use that time to intentionally draw closer to the Lord (prayer time, attending bible Studies and prayer meetings, etc) you'll waste a lot of time on Facebook, Gmail, and Hulu. Another stumbling block with more free time means you've got to spend more time with yourself then with school, a job, your family, etc. God will reveal some truly nasty things about yourself given the time and your willingness to listen.

So after months of listening to this song, when the chance came to read an autobiography, I immediately chose Augustine. Did you know that most scholars consider Confessions to be the first autobiography of Western literature? It was written between 397 and 398 AD. Pretty cool, huh?

That being said, I found Confessions pretty challenging to read. Augustine divides Confessions into 13 books, the first nine contain his biography, and the last four his theological reflections. The first nine books are much more accessible than the last four.  Augustine tells the story of a man struggling with the intellectual side of faith, something that I often struggle with. His famous prayer of "Lord make me chaste, but not yet" echoes throughout these books as he struggles to completely trust the Lord with his life. The last four books were a bit painful to read as they explore concepts such as memory, time, creation, and the trinity. Interesting topics, but a little too philosophical in his analysis for my taste.

So what did I take away from Confessions and how do I apply this autobiography to my GAP year? The main thing I learned was that it's okay to question Christianity and treat it as a topic worthy of serious analysis. I think too often American culture treats Christianity as a given and treat its justification lazily. I also learned that the road to Christianity is often a winding one full of many false starts, and a lot of hurry up and waiting.

Augustine's plea to make me chaste, but not yet struck a cord with me because I realize I pray this prayer a lot through the media I consume, the way I relate to my brothers, and how I view my service. The Lord wants complete abandonment in him, and I am often only willing to offer myself to a point. How am I to offer myself more fully to the Lord? Maybe I need to stop searching for things other than the Lord to satisfy loneliness, anger, and frustration. Alas, "my heart searches restlessly, and finds no rest till it rests in thee."

Detroit 2012

For Spring Break I had the opportunity to serve with the poor in Detroit, Michigan. We served with Urban Encounters, a program sponsored by Youth-Works Detroit, an outreach of the Word of Life Community in Ann Arbor. I thought I'd take a moment to share with you some of my experiences and reflections.

We arrived on a Tuesday morning to the Youth-Works Office for a brief orientation with the Detroit gapper responsible for organizing our trip. As she went through our weekly schedule, I silently thanked the Lord for not assigning me that task. I do not envy her for having the most difficult job of any North American Gapper.  After our orientation, we changed into our work cloths and headed to Brightmoor.

Brightmoor is one of Detroit's neighborhoods targeted for revitalization by the US government. The colloquial name for the neighborhood is "Blightmoor" because the area's fallen into such disrepair. That afternoon we helped a Ph.D student in anthropology prime her walls and clean her kitchen. She told us that she received the house for free after an elderly hoarder died in the house with no relatives. She said that she basically had to gut the place and start from scratch. I asked her when she hoped to move in, and she said "tomorrow."

The next morning the women went to help Sister Judy deliver lunch to the poor in Detroit's central and east side. We didn't have a lot of sandwiches to make that morning because Kroger generously donated about fifty sandwiches. This gave Sister Judy time to share her story with us. A native of Northern Michigan, she felt called to enter the convent as a teenager. But the Lord had other plans for her when she married at 16 and had 7 children before her husband died at 28. After raising her children, she felt called to become a nun and serve the poor in Detroit. So every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and sometimes Friday she loads up her van and delivers her lunches to those in need. Delivering Lunches with her was quite an eye-opening experience. She'd stop at houses that had no heat, or electricity, and often no windows, and a cracking foundation. The hardest part was seeing the kids come out and get lunches for their families at a time when they should be in school.

We served in many ways this week: with Bezalel Program, an after school program for elementary students, with their Youth Group, with ABC Bible School, and we even helped with some urban gardens. But for me the most life-changing moment of the trip was attending the Soup Kitchen with Brother Ed.

In addition to serving food to the homeless in the area, this Soup Kitchen offers daily Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings lead by Brother Ed. So everyday about 30 men and one or two women meet to share their stories and encourage each other in their sobriety. I have never seen Jesus so clearly as I did when I listened to these men and women share their stories of addiction and recovery. Recovering from an addiction is difficult when you're trying to do it with a strong family and support system. These men and women are trying to stay sober while living on the streets with almost unlimited access to drugs and alcohol. Sobriety doesn't "solve" the problem of their poverty and homelessness, in some ways it makes the experience of everyday life more painful.

What really struck me from the meeting was the willingness of a group of mostly black addicts to allow three white girls to come to their meeting and hear their stories. I thought back to my own life about how often I exclude people based on superficial things like clothing choices or hairstyles. If the situation were reversed, would I allow these men into my life? Their openness and vulnerability served to strip me of my pride and leave me feeling raw and vulnerable. The meeting really called me on to live out the message James gives us:

"You do well if you really fulfill the royal law according to the scripture, ' You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' But if you show partiality you commit sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors." (James 2: 8-9).

"To Love At All is to Be Vulnerable"

So I've got a confession to make. I don't hate Valentine's Day. In fact, it's my fourth favorite holiday (after Easter, Christmas, and my birthday). Here's another interesting fact: I'm single. And have been for the past five Valentine's Days. I thought I'd take a moment to explain how those two seemingly contradictory thoughts make sense.

Single. Why am I single? Great question. The simple answer to that question is because I choose to be. As a recent college graduate in her early twenties, my life is pretty unpredictable, and sometimes downright chaotic. I have no idea where I'm going to be living five months for now, let alone five years from now. I'm still discerning major life decisions like employment, vocation, and community. It's not fair for me to ask someone to commit to me before I do.

A second reason I'm single is because I need to be. I chose to dedicate a year of my life to mission work. In order to invest in the relationships with the men and women I've been called to serve with and alongside, I cannot invest in a single romantic relationship. I like to think of it as I need to be single, versus I have to be single because "having to be single" negates my choice, as well as the joy I've experienced as a result of my choice.

One way I can share with others the joy of singleness is to refuse to become bitter about Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day, at it's core, is about showing your love for others, and feeling loved by others. So why not take a day to celebrate all the relationships God has placed in your life?  Take a minute to write your roommate a note honoring her for the way she always lends a sympathetic ear when you're having a bad day. Thank your co-worker for the times he's cleaned the kitchen so you could meet your deadline. Text your family and thank them for their prayers and support as you spread your wings in a new city.

Part of the reason that people become bitter about Valentine's Day is because of the commercialization of the holiday. Why have we allowed Valentine's Day to become all about the card, flowers, and expensive presents? Because this "stuff" distracts us from the vulnerabilities of love. It's much easier to buy someone a dozen roses and scribble "I Love You" on the card, then caring for your beloved when he/she falls ill. I think I'll wrap up this post with a quote from C.S.Lewis, which explains why I think reclaiming Valentine's Day as a celebration of loving others and feeling loved by others is a principle worth fighting for:

" To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Knowing About God vs. Knowing God

Happy February everyone! This week for GAP training, we've been assigned chapters to read from Knowing God by J.I. Packer. Sure enough, the Lord used this book to teach me a lesson this week on the difference between knowing about God and knowing God. Let me explain.

The Ann Arbor chapter of UCO is completing it's fourth week of the Life in the Spirit Fridays (LSF). LSF is a series of introduction to Christianity talks were we discuss who God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and sin are as well as their roles in our everyday lives. LSF culminates with a time of prayer on the fifth night where we'll pray with our discussion groups for dedication, renewal, and gifts of the Holy Spirit. I've never felt the Lord's presence more powerfully than at LSF. Crammed into 716 Catherine Street with about 70 other people, there is no space for faking enthusiasm or blending in.

When we split into discussion groups, I help lead the discussion group with students from Asian Outreach (AO). The AO discussion group is unlike any of the other discussion groups in that most of our students are grappling with Christian ideas for the first time. During discussion time our students don't ask us "how do I use the gifts of the Holy Spirit to grow in discipleship?" but "who is God, and how do I know he's real?"

Before participating in the AO discussion group, I don't think anyone asked me point blank "who is God, and how do I know he's real?" Christian teachings underlies so much of American culture, that even Americans who don't identify as Christians know who God is even if they choose not to know him personally. But Asian young adults who grew up amongst the vestiges of China's Cultural Revolution lack the cultural assumption of religion as a foundation of a countries moral values.

So how does this all tie into Knowing God? I can share with my discussion group who God is just by knowing about God. I can share with them the story of Genesis, and suggest books for further reading. But in order to convince my discussion group that God is real, and not just the hero of an interesting story, I have to know God personally.To know God I must spend time with him in prayer and worship. To know God I must respond to his teachings by modifying my behaviors that contradict his teachings. To know God I must be will to share step out in faith and share the gospel with the men and women God has placed in my life. For:

"What makes life worth while is having a big enough objective, something which catches our imagination and lays hold of our allegiance, and this the Christian has, in a way no other man has. For what higher, more exalted, and more compelling goal can there be that to know God?" (Packer 30).

Ironic isn't it? You set aside a year of your life to serve others, and God uses your service as an opportunity to serve you.

"Read a Novel, it will make you a Better Person"

Today at the office it was my turn to clean the kitchen. As I started clearing off the counters preparing to wash them, I noticed that someone left fortune cookies in the "free food" area. Now I don't think anyone actually enjoys the taste of fortune cookies. They taste like Styrofoam seasoned with Splenda.  Nonetheless, we all enjoy fortune cookies for the cheesy fortunes they contain. But today, instead of the usual "for every downhill there is an uphill" adage, mine read "Read a novel, it will make you a better person." I did a little squeal of delight, then promptly taped my fortune to the office bookshelf. 

I am a reader. As a child I had trouble spelling, and for the longest time thought my name "Rebecca" was actually "reader." Reading is not a pastime, a hobby, or a chore. I read for the same reason that I breathe: because I can, and because life works much better if I do. Reading helps me feel at peace as an individual, but also as a member of the larger society I inhabit. Even on a GAP year where I spend 90% of my day serving others, I make sure that I spend at least an hour a day with my nose in a book. 

The type of book really doesn't matter. I'm much more interested in the subject matter than the genre. So far this year I've read spiritual essays, books exploring faith and housing crises in Detroit, and books on the history of racial discrimination at home and abroad. One of the best parts of being on a gap year in Ann Arbor is that I have the freedom to read what interests me, and I'm surrounded by people who keep giving me books :)

Right now I'm re-reading The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. GOW was the first novel I wrote a research paper on. I was 16, and read the novel because I didn't understand why Bruce Springsteen (my favorite musician) wrote The Ghost of Tom Joad. Through researching the history of the Great Depression and Steinbeckian literary analysis I fell madly in love with both American history and literature. (I also fell a little out of love with Springsteen who based TGOTJ on the Tom Ford film vs. Steinbeck's novel. Lame.) 

Looking back, this novel laid the groundwork for my studies at university as a history and literature major. Re-reading it now is helping me mourn the loss of my student identity, and helping me work on the jealousy I'm feeling of my housemates as they prepare for their final exams. While I don't miss the stress that comes with paper and exam due dates, I do miss reading and writing about the human experience. 

I guess I'm just going to have to start blogging more frequently. 

GAP Year Update

It's been far too long since my last blog post. I've got nothing earth shattering to , just wanted to give people an update on my GAP year. So here it is. The good, the bad, and the stretching...

First off, the good. God. God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good. I'm very blessed to be serving the Word of Life Community here in Ann Arbor. God has placed some truly talented and holy people in my life this year that I get to live, serve, and have fun with. Sometimes I go to meetings and have to pinch myself that I am actually here talking to the legendary x about catering options for a conference that I'm helping her organize. 

For the most part, I enjoy the service I've been asked to perform this year. Gappers in Ann Arbor divide their time between serving University Christian Outreach (UCO), Ignite Youth Group, the Word of Life Office, and GAP training. The percentage of time each gapper spends with each group depends on their age/state of life. For example, most of my service is with UCO as I'm a post-college student. The other two gappers I serve with work more with the Ignite Youth Group than I do since they just graduated from high school. I enjoy serving a variety of outreaches of the Word of Life Community even if it means that I have to spend an hour at the beginning of each week figuring out my schedule. 

The biggest challenge of my GAP year has been adopting a servant's heart. What does that mean? It means accepting that my schedule is not my own, and not responding in anger when someone asks me to be flexible with my time. It means carrying out my service with a joyful attitude even when I feel less than joyful. It means forgoing romantic relationships, and focusing on building relationships with my Ann Arbor sisters. It means refraining from deriving my self-worth from what I can produce, and instead recognizing my value as a child of God. 

I'm choosing to look at my GAP year as a year set apart, not a year of constant sacrifice. This year will be unlike any other year I experience, and I don't want to ruin it by adopting a woe is me attitude. God is stretching and challenging me out of love because he refuses to settle for the mediocracy I'd attain if left to my own devices. 

I'll close this post with a metaphor. Last night my housemates and I had a movie night where we watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I love this movie. The movie's a pretty classic portrayal of the ugly duckling-swan transformation. In the beginning of the movie Tula's waitressing in her family's restaurant when she first lays eyes on Ian. They have the classic awkward encounter. Later in the movie, once Tula goes to school and learns to take better care of herself, they meet again. Ian recognizes her from the restaurant but not for her awkwardness. From then on they fall in love and live happily ever after. 

So what's the link between My Big Fat Greek Wedding and a GAP year? A GAP year is ment to be a transformative year. The person I will be at the end of my GAP year will still be me, but the me who's spent a year seeking the Lord and turning to him for comfort during those lonely and frustrating moments. I'm not going to leave my GAP year a swan, but I'll be one step away from ugly duckling.