Less than one week from today I move back to Pittsburgh. See my last blog post for my thoughts on transitions. In the next six weeks, I will be moving twice, seeking employment, preparing for summer camp, and preparing for UCO staff work. Not to mention catching up with the family and friends I haven't seen in the last year. Plus processing the emotional and spiritual vestiges of my GAP year. In the week to come, I need to pack, schedule goodbyes, coordinate the move, buy my sister a birthday present, finish my newsletter, write out thank-you cards, and finish my career counseling course. All while participating fully in the last week of summer household.
During my personal prayer time this morning I basically presented the Lord with a list of my anxieties and asked him to bless them. The Lord in turn showed me that my to-do list of anxieties point to a lack of trust in his grace and goodness. Instead of offering my fears of the future over to God, I'm internalizing them and turning into a basket case.
Case in point. I'm currently writing this blog post from a laundry mat. I was in such a rush to get out the door this morning (aka start crossing things off my mile long to-do list) I left my money at home. When we arrived at the laundry mat, I started frantically digging through my bag for the money I left at home. In the process, I pricked my finger on a pencil and dripped blood over half the contents of my laundry bag. Thankfully my housemate gave me one of those "you're-being-an-idiot-stop-it" hugs and lent me the money to wash my cloths.
As I sit here trying to type with nine fingers, I'm realizing that I can't depend on circumstances to bring me peace, or I'll never be peaceful. I can choose to respond to stressful situations with peace or with anxiety. Not the fake peace that comes from disengaging from reality, but the true peace that comes from trusting in the Lord. My need to rely more on the Lord for peace reminds me of the passage in Exodus 14 right before the Israelites cross the Red Sea into the Promised Land. Petrified by their fears of the unknown they ask Moses:
Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? 12 Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!” Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.
The Lord did not call me out of Egypt (my post-GAP life) to have me drown in the Red Sea (my GAP year) before reaching the Promised Land (Adult Christianity). The Lord knew what he was doing when he called me on a GAP year, and I trust that he will continue to provide for me in this next step. I trust that the Rebecca that will be moving back to Pittsburgh is not the Becky who left it.
On that note, I think it's time to take my laundry out of the dryer...
Hi Rebecca, I'm doing a GAP year in Dublin this year and I stumbled upon your blog while Googling something on St. Augustine a little while ago. I read your post about Confessions, and then read this one as I think it's your most recent. I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate what you wrote about choosing peace over anxiety in stressful situations. I'm facing the last six weeks of my GAP year now, and I've got loads of stuff to do before I go home in August. Reading this blog post has been a great reminder to place my trust fully in God and He will work things out. Thanks!
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